When we experience rejection, a lack of love, or the pain of being cheated on, humiliated, or ridiculed, it leaves a deep mark on our sense of self. These wounds don’t just hurt us emotionally; they affect how we see ourselves and how we live our lives. Carl Rogers, a renowned psychologist, described this impact as incongruence—a disconnect between who we truly are and who we feel we need to be to survive emotionally. Here’s how these experiences can create that disconnection and how healing can begin.

Rejection and Lack of Love in Childhood

As children, we rely on the love, acceptance, and approval of our caregivers to develop a strong, healthy sense of self. But when a child experiences rejection or doesn’t receive unconditional love, they may begin to believe that they are only worthy if they meet certain conditions. The idea that “I am only lovable if I behave in a certain way” leads to the child suppressing or denying parts of themselves that they fear will lead to more rejection. This creates incongruence—a gap between their true self and the self they present to the world.

As adults, this incongruence continues to impact us. We might feel disconnected from our own feelings, unsure of what we really want, or constantly striving for approval from others, rather than living authentically. This inner conflict can cause anxiety, depression, and a general sense of dissatisfaction with life.

Humiliation and Ridicule

When someone experiences humiliation or ridicule, especially over a long period, it can severely damage their self-esteem. The negative messages received from others can become internalized, leading the person to believe they are inherently flawed or unworthy. In an attempt to avoid further ridicule or humiliation, they may try to hide their true selves, further deepening the incongruence. They might present a version of themselves that they believe is more acceptable, while suppressing their vulnerabilities or true feelings.

Over time, this creates an emotional barrier between their true self and the person they feel they need to be. The constant effort to maintain this façade can lead to feelings of shame, isolation, and anxiety, as the person becomes more disconnected from their authentic self.

Betrayal and Cheating

Being betrayed or cheated on by a partner adds another layer of emotional damage. This betrayal of trust can make someone question their own worth, leading them to wonder if they are somehow to blame for the betrayal. This self-blame and doubt can further distort their self-concept, causing them to feel inadequate or unworthy of love.

In an attempt to avoid future betrayal, the person may change themselves or suppress their needs to fit what they believe will make them more “worthy” of love. This leads to a deeper disconnection between their true self and the self they present to the world.

The Path to Healing: Rebuilding Congruence

Incongruence, according to Rogers, is the root of much emotional pain and distress. The key to healing is finding a way back to congruence—where your inner self aligns with your outer self, and you live authentically without fear of rejection, humiliation, or betrayal.

This is where Growth Healing Therapy can help. Through a supportive, non-judgmental therapeutic relationship, I help clients rebuild their self-awareness and self-worth, addressing the impact of past rejection, ridicule, and betrayal. By providing a space of unconditional positive regard, you can begin to reconnect with your true feelings, desires, and identity, free from the conditions of worth imposed by others.

Healing is about rediscovering and accepting your authentic self. By working through these painful experiences and understanding how they’ve shaped your self-concept, you can move towards a life where you live fully and freely, no longer held back by the wounds of your past.

How Growth Healing Therapy Can Help

In Growth Healing Therapy, I guide you through a process of self-exploration and healing, helping you gain the self-awareness you need to understand and embrace your true self. Through this process, you can start to tap into your innate strengths, build emotional resilience, and make constructive changes that allow you to move forward in life with confidence and clarity.

If you’re ready to begin your journey toward healing and congruence, visit my services page or learn more about my therapeutic approach.