When someone claims they can’t avoid getting angry and yelling, it often reflects a belief that their emotional reactions are uncontrollable. While anger is a natural emotion, how we express it is a choice. With the right strategies, tools, and awareness, anyone can learn to respond differently. Here’s how to approach this:

---

Step 1: Acknowledge Their Feeling Without Validating Harmful Behaviour

Start by acknowledging their emotion to create an open dialogue. For example:

• Say: “I understand that you feel overwhelmed when you’re angry, and it can be hard to manage those feelings.”
• Avoid: “It’s okay to yell when you’re upset.” (This normalizes harmful behaviour.)

Let them know their feelings are valid, but emphasize that their reaction, such as yelling, isn’t constructive.

---

Step 2: Educate on Emotional Regulation

Explain that while they may not control the initial feeling of anger, they do control their response. Use this analogy:

• Example: “Think about a boiling pot of water. The heat (anger) builds up, but it’s up to you whether you let it boil over or reduce the heat by turning off the stove. You can’t stop the water from heating, but you can control what happens next.”

---

Step 3: Introduce Practical Techniques to Manage Anger

Encourage them to try these strategies when they feel anger building:

1. Pause and Breathe:

• Before reacting, take deep breaths—inhale for four seconds, hold for four, and exhale for six.
• Example: If they feel like yelling, suggest pausing and saying, “I need a moment to think.”

2. Use “I” Statements:

• Teach them to express anger constructively:
  • Instead of yelling, “You never listen to me!”
  • Say, “I feel ignored when I’m talking, and it makes me upset.”

3. Step Away:

• Encourage them to physically leave the situation if needed to cool down.
• Example: “It’s better to take a five-minute walk than to yell and hurt someone’s feelings.”

---

Step 4: Reflect on Triggers

Help them identify patterns and triggers that lead to yelling. Ask:

• “What situations or words make you feel angry?”
• “What’s the earliest moment you notice the anger starting?”

By recognizing triggers, they can learn to intercept anger before it escalates.

• Example: If stress at work is a trigger, they can practice decompression techniques, like listening to calming music on the way home.

---

Step 5: Introduce Empathy and Perspective

Encourage them to think about how yelling impacts others. Ask:

• “How do you think the other person feels when you yell?”
• “How would you feel if someone yelled at you?”

This reflection can help them recognize the emotional toll their behaviour takes on loved ones.

---

Step 6: Suggest Professional Support

If anger and yelling are persistent, therapy can help uncover underlying issues and provide tools for long-term change. Let them know:

• “Therapy isn’t about judging you—it’s about giving you the skills to handle tough emotions without hurting yourself or others.”
• “Through therapy, you can learn to communicate effectively, even when you’re angry.”

---

Examples of Progress

Before:

• Trigger: A partner forgets to do the dishes.
• Reaction: Yelling, “You never help out around here!”

After:

• Trigger: A partner forgets to do the dishes.
• Response: Taking a deep breath, then calmly saying, “I feel frustrated when the dishes are left undone. Can we talk about dividing chores?”

Before:

• Trigger: A child spills juice on the floor.
• Reaction: Shouting, “Why are you so careless?”

After:

• Trigger: A child spills juice on the floor.
• Response: Pausing, then saying, “Let’s clean this up together. Next time, be more careful when carrying the glass.”

---

Final Thoughts

Expressing anger doesn’t have to mean yelling or losing control. By learning to pause, reflect, and respond calmly, they can transform their relationships and improve their emotional well-being.

If they’re ready to make a change, therapy can provide personalized tools to help them break free from the cycle of anger and yelling. In therapy, they’ll gain insight into their triggers and build healthier communication skills that empower them—and their relationships—for the better.

“Change starts with awareness, and with the right support, it’s absolutely possible.”

How My Therapy Can Help with Managing Anger

My therapy focuses on uncovering the underlying emotions and triggers behind anger, helping you gain awareness of what fuels your reactions. Together, we’ll work on building tools for emotional regulation, effective communication, and healthier responses to conflict. Whether it’s understanding why certain situations upset you or learning new ways to express your feelings, my approach offers compassionate and practical support for real change.

You don’t have to let anger control your life or harm your relationships. Through therapy, you can transform anger into a constructive force, empowering you to feel more in control and connected to the people you care about. If you’re ready to take that step, I’m here to guide you.